Decorate your own soul

Every once in a while, something happens that just makes me want to scream!  Usually it has something to do with guys and dating.  Unfortunately (or thankfully), being passive-aggressive means that instead of screaming and making a scene that wouldn’t actually accomplish anything, I usually just wallow in self-pity and allow myself to slip into a morass of melancholy and anger.  Thankfully I have some wonderful friends who allow me to alternately wallow in misery and rail at the unfairness of life.

Then we go get ice cream.  We do this because there isn’t much that can’t be made better by eating sugar and chocolate.  Being able to get some of the self-pity out of my system means that I can allow the emotional storm to calm and be replaced with an introspection that, while still melancholy, at least doesn’t make me want to lash out at people.

There are some days when all I can think is, “I wish my Prince Charming would show up already.” On these occasions, I can’t stop myself from thinking that I’ve earned it.  I was married to a guy that was totally wrong for me; I’ve been used, lusted after and objectified; I’ve even tried dating websites.  Yes, I’ve been that desperate a time or two.  Don’t I deserve to find my knight in shining armor?  Why can’t I find my “happily ever after”?

These bouts of self-pity lead me to seek out words of wisdom from people much smarter than I am.  For instance, President Dieter F. Uchtdorf has said,

     “Sometimes it can be difficult to see anything beyond the path immediately before us. We are impatient and do not want to wait for a future fulfillment of our greatest desires. Nevertheless, the brief span of this life is nothing in comparison with eternity. And if only we can hope and exercise faith and joyfully endure to the end—and I say joyfully endure to the end—there, in that great heavenly future, we will have the fulfillment of the righteous desires of our hearts and so very much more that we can scarcely comprehend now.

     In the meantime, do not wait for someone else to make your life complete. Stop second-guessing yourself and wondering if you are defective. Instead, seek to reach your potential as a child of God. Seek learning. Become engaged in a meaningful career, and seek fulfillment in service to others. Use your time, your talents, and your resources to improve yourself and bless those around you.”

I need to figure out a way to internalize the wisdom I can see in counsel such as this.  I see the sense of it, but it’s much more difficult to apply those lessons than to hear them and agree.  While I work on that, I’ll close with a poem I’ve liked since I first heard it while I was in high school.  Now if I could just apply the lessons in it.

After a While

By Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn

With every good bye you learn.